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Will there be long term issues with dating/marrying someone 13 years older than me? February 18, 2012 10:37 PM Subscribe. Ok.

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So I recently started seeing this guy, and I am falling for him quickly. Will there be long term issues with dating/marrying someone 13 years older than me? February 18, 2012 10:37 PM Subscribe. Ok. So I recently started seeing this guy, and I am falling for him quickly. In four dates we've discovered that we are compatible on so many different levels - common interests, chemistry, religious views, sense of humour, values. He's incredibly romantic. I went from just wanting to be friends to wanting to be in a relationship with him. Here's the thing. I'm 22. On our last date I asked him how old he was. he's 35. That's 13 years older than me. Bah! This freaks me out, so I told him I had to think about this in order to decide if we should keep seeing each other, which is really, REALLY hard. Ok, so now I'm trying to determine the implications of a long-term relationship with a guy 13 years older than me. It's not so much that after 4 dates I think we'll for sure end up together, but my purpose in dating is figuring out who I'm going to marry, so I want to figure this out ASAP. Here's the background information about us: -I'm 22, I have a bachelor's degree and I've started my career in marketing -I'm an old soul. right now I'm saving for a house and I want to get married as soon as I develop a solid relationship with the right person. -He's 35, and he's working on his PhD in French literature. Prior to going back for his PhD, he taught French for 6 years. -After he's done his PhD his dream would be to work for the UN as a diplomat. He also wants to write. -Neither of us have any children, but we both want children -I am not drawn to him because of his age, by any means. The fact that he is a student and I am working almost reverses things, in a sense. -He looks like he's 25 - he's Black, and from what I've noticed this ethnic group seems to age really well, at least in terms of appearance. -We really like each other! The main thing that is making me uncomfortable with the situation is advice my grandmother gave me a couple years ago. She had seen so many women marry into a relationship with a 10 year or 14 year age gap, and then later in life they're limited because their husbands are too tired or sick to do anything. And that these women feel order than they actually are. (I also don't want to be a young widow!) When he asked me what difference age makes, I told him it's a matter of being in life stages at different times, as well as what my grandmother said. He brought up the point that he keeps in really good shape (it's true) and that most people can't run on a treadmill for an hour like he can. He trains in juditsu, and we both love salsa dancing. When I'm 27, he'll be 40. When I'm 67, he would be 80. maybe. What would that be like? I'm not worried about the short term. We have great chemistry and if things don't work in the short term, then it doesn't work out. But I want to decide if age is an issue in the long term now, because every time we see each other we uncover layers of compatibility and we feel more emotionally involved. So if age is going to be an issue I want to stop things now before we both get hurt. even more. Also a concern for me is how my career and having children would fit into this. (I've previously toyed with the idea of having children while I'm young and focusing on career while the kids are older.) But all that is something that can be talked through in future conversations with him, if we do continue to date. So I'm looking for examples of what a relationship with a large age gap is like, later in life. 50 and 60+. Blah. love is so complicated. posted by Jade_bug to Human Relations (53 answers total) 11 users marked this as a favorite. I really don't want to be that person, but 4 dates does not a fiancé make. And being an old soul" isn't the strongest determinate of compatibility, no matter what your age. I would slow down if I were you. The biggest problem I foresee is you discovering that you were too young to get involved with someone so seriously right away, and why cheat yourself out of young adult hood like that when it could lead to you feeling resentful of this guy later? I have relatives who've jumped the gun like this. It's ended badly. Slow down and let go of your desire to know and control everything. posted by iLoveTheRain at 10:45 PM on February 18, 2012 [16 favorites] Age is but a number, life and people are never perfect, and the only thing at the end of everyone's story is death. posted by mleigh at 10:48 PM on February 18, 2012 [9 favorites] I don't think your problem is so much the age difference, but that you guys seem to have very different priorities in life. If you want to settle down, buy a house, and start a family basically ASAP, and he wants to maybe "be a diplomat for the UN" (which is not really a thing, maybe? or at least not something one can just decide to do) or maybe write. After he finishes a degree that, I shit you not, can take upwards of a decade to complete. So you're looking at house and kids by 30. He's looking at getting a PhD by 45, and then maybe he'll do this or maybe he'll do that. This is not really compatible, unless you make a hell of an amazing living in marketing and he aspires to be a single dad. posted by Sara C. at 10:48 PM on February 18, 2012 [25 favorites] The difference between 22 and 35 is a much bigger deal than between 42 and 55, in my opinion. My own parents were 19 years apart, but as a rural conservative, my mother was very like someone of my father's generation (for their time and place, etc.). However, as their youngest, I never knew his parents, and he was more like a grandfather, further, the difference or the fact that my mom was about your age when they married contributed to a heck of a midlife crisis when she was in her mid-40s and he fell ill. Everyone is different. posted by Occula at 10:59 PM on February 18, 2012 [5 favorites] But! I personally am very much for gambling in favor of love. posted by Occula at 11:01 PM on February 18, 2012 [2 favorites] She had seen so many women marry into a relationship with a 10 year or 14 year age gap, and then later in life they're limited because their husbands are too tired or sick to do anything. This is the case in my extended family. My aunt does do a lot of caregiving and it does limit her. On the flip side, they are very happy together and very much in love. You just never know. As a mid-20s woman, I wonder more what this 35-year-old wants with a 22-year-old. Why does your life experience and maturity level match his so well? posted by Snarl Furillo at 11:01 PM on February 18, 2012 [10 favorites] Response by poster: Yeah, I wrote this and thought "this is not coming out right. " *By "old soul" I mean that I'm done "finding myself". I've figured out who I am, I've travelled, I've dated different types of guys, I've started my career, and so I feel ready to settle down, if I meet the right person. *When I said I wanted to be in a relationship with him, I meant a boyfriend/girlfriend dating relationship, as opposed to being casual dates. I have by no means decided that I want any kind of long term relationship with him. At the same time, I'm not thinking "Yeah, I'm just messing around in a short-term fling". That's why I want to know if the age gap would cause issues.

Dating a man 13 years older