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Straight Men Confess How They Really Feel About Age-Gap Relationships. Their Answers Are Surprising. Earlier this summer, author and real-life Carrie Bradshaw Candace Bushnell wrote about dating over 60 for The Cut — and found (shockingly) that some men her age showed a preference for younger women.
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One man she’d connected with on a dating app, identified as Buckley, told her, “I don’t see age. I’ll date women older or younger but especially younger because we have more in common.” Predictably, this quote raised the internet’s eyebrows. Buckley, 63, confidently said he felt he had the most in common with women in their mid-20s. He was mainly referring to their similar priorities in relationships, i.e., the desire for no-strings sex. Advertisement. Out of that context, this statement is at the very least baffling: Why would women with two decades of life experience have the most in common with him and his six? Oliver Rossi via Getty Images. Age gap relationships are not a monolith. But there can, of course, be red flags. Sex is one thing, but long-term age-gap relationships are another. Depending on the age of both people in the couple, these relationships are often judged harshly (with some generations having more criticism of these dynamics than others), but they’re not a monolith. Advertisement. Yes, age-gap relationships can be a source of worrying power imbalances, but many are also happy, healthy and mutually beneficial. It’s all dependent on context and willingness from both sides to compensate for any disparities. “In some cultures, age-gap relationships are common,” Akua K. Boateng, a psychotherapist and therapeutic coach said. “They are held to be an exchange of wisdom, insight and vitality. In these connections, a mutually agreed upon connection is necessary. Shared values and a desire for a unified partnership holds these relationships together.” “Am I saying they can never work? Absolutely not! We just need to look at the two people engaging in the dynamic.” - Sabrina Zohar, dating coach. Advertisement. Sabrina Zohar , a dating coach and podcaster, isn’t the biggest fan of age-gap relationships. ” Honestly? Most of the time they make me uncomfortable, especially when there’s a significant gap,” she said. “Like, a 50-year-old man has had decades to figure out manipulation tactics, career success, financial stability, while a 25-year-old is still figuring out who they are. It’s not always predatory, but the potential is definitely there.” Still, Zohar recognizes that not all these relationships are created equal. “Am I saying they can never work? Absolutely not!” she said. “We just need to look at the two people engaging in the dynamic.” Both Zohar and Boateng agree that said dynamic can indeed have some red flags: “The older partner usually controls the lifestyle, where they live, how they spend money, what social circles they move in. The younger person might feel grateful for this ‘upgrade,’ but it creates dependency,” Zohar said. “Plus there’s this mentorship dynamic that can get toxic fast when one person is always the ‘teacher’ and the other is expected to be the grateful student.” Advertisement. Westend61 via Getty Images/Westend61. Men get real about what they actually get out of their age-gap relationships. For Zohar, there are some strict prerequisites for an age-gap relationship to be healthy, starting with the age of both people when they begin dating. “Both people need to be actual adults. I’m talking mid-20s minimum, when your brain is fully developed,” she said. “The younger person needs to have their own established identity, career, friend group and relationship experience before entering the dynamic.” On the subject of brain development, BBC Science Focus points out that the oft-cited factoid that the brain finishes developing at 25 is not based in any actual hard evidence, and puts forward the counterpoint that cognitive decline sets in around middle age, which can effectively level things out. An investigation in Slate makes similar arguments, establishing that 25 may be the age when many people’s prefrontal cortex — which is responsible for certain aspects of decision-making — becomes fully developed, but that this isn’t true for everyone. Advertisement. It also reminds us that the prefrontal cortex is just one part of the brain and that other brain regions play a role in our decision-making behaviors too. These arguments may serve as important context when considering real people’s age-gap relationship stories, while still being mindful of the equally real pitfalls of those age differences. “The younger person needs to have their own established identity, career, friend group and relationship experience before entering the dynamic.” - Sabrina Zohar, dating coach. “For it to work, the older partner has to actively work against using their advantages as leverage. No financial control, no isolating them from peers, no ‘I know better because I’m older’ attitudes,” Zohar said. “And honestly? Both people need to be in similar life phases despite the age difference, like both established in careers, both wanting the same relationship goals, both having equal say in major decisions.” Advertisement. With all that in mind, Zohar cautions against some significant red flags that would point to an age-gap relationship being unhealthy. “If the older person consistently dates much younger people, that tells me they can’t handle being challenged by someone their own age,” she said. “If they’re isolating their partner from friends their own age or making comments like ‘people your age are so immature,’ that’s manipulation.” She also warns against financial control and the teacher-student dynamic, where the younger person is never treated as an equal partner in the relationship. HuffPost spoke to eight men about their age-gap relationships with younger women. Their stories, edited for clarity and length, are below. Advertisement. The Filmmakers, 60 and 33. My wife, Asia Scoon, is 33 years old and I am 60, soon to be 61. I first noticed her in 2014 from a distance. I thought she was older until I got closer and could see the youth in her face. I opted not to say anything to her as a result. Later, our paths would cross again as she worked in a men’s clothing store. I discovered she was in film school, which immediately piqued my interest. I had done some production work for BET’s ” American Gangster” series. We decided to collaborate on a film about race, politics and police. That film was ” Black White & Blue” and we’ve been working on independent projects ever since. Other than the age gap, we have a very traditional relationship regarding roles. It works for us. I’m sure people have their thoughts but I’m not concerned about that. I think more importantly than emphasizing the age gap, the key to our relationship is compatibility and maturity. The only challenge may be children. If we have any, I will absolutely dedicate the rest of my life to them. They deserve it. She deserves it. Sometimes love comes in the least expected ways. You can’t be afraid. The only chance you might get is the chance you take. I’m really glad I took the chance with Asia. She is my peace. Advertisement. ‘Foxy Young Chippy,’ 54 and 39. We met on a friends’ vacation to Turks and Caicos. We hung out all week. I thought she wouldn’t like me because of our age difference. She is a young-looking 39. I have heard some snide comments here or there, but not that often. Gifts, I have a foxy young chippy! Challenges, we did not grow up with the same pop culture references, songs, TV, movies, etc. Oddly, that poses more of a challenge than you would think. Also, I worry that 39 and 54 isn’t bad, but 80 and 65 is. I am happy that she may get to have an entire new relationship after I am gone, but I am sad that she will have to watch me go. Timing Is Everything, 50 and 34. We met online through a dating app and we’ve been together almost seven years.
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